if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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