He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The ass gains better be worth it
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