I wish I could teleport
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
