LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
