My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
