you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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