I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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