I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Drunk is not a location!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
