I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
