Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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