It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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