textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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