I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
