He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
