today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
being pregnant is like rehab
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
