I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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