started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Let's paint friendship bongs
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
