I looked at my own cervix.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
