i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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