ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
