I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
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i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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