Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
