Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Randomize
