So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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