I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
