my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
