I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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