Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
