Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
