I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
