Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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