he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
