last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
