My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
