please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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