your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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