That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
