Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
