They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
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So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
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BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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