I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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