yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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