you guys were way drunker than both of me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
