Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
