Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
