Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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