blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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