I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
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its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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