I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
