We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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