phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
