My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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