I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Randomize
