That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
