stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
