Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
