i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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