Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
