This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
where are you?
Hypothermia
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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