Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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