her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
