I wish I only lived at night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
