Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
