I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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